The two puzzle pieces I will never get back.

In the eyes of other people, they were my grandparents. In my eyes, they were my parents. The ones that raised me since I was just a few weeks old. My dad died before I was born. My mom, she had to leave the country to work overseas because other than me, I have four more older siblings. In the 90's, raising five kids on your own, without a partner, must be really tough. Leaving probably was a hard decision to make. So, I don't blame her. Honestly, I am grateful that she left me and my sisters with our dad's family. My grandparents were the best role model a kid like me could ever have.

They took me in, no ifs, no buts. In a way, I became my dad's replacement in the family, which is perfectly fine. Although, I wished it didn't have to be that way, right? They upbrought me in an environment where you could have a voice. Your opinion mattered. You didn't have to hold back your thought. They were two of my greatest cheerleaders. The ones who believed in me the most and made me confident about my skills. The ones I knew who always had my back. Together with my uncles and aunts, they raised my sisters and me in a house full of love.

My sisters and I, with our grandparents at my dad's grave on All Soul's Day. Yep, that's us, matching outfit.

MAMA, who was always so proud to attend my recognition ceremonies and awarding. When I was five, we had a school program and I had a dance number. She made me my outfit then she'd be at the front row to made sure I'd see her and knew she was there. I joined our town's slogan contest for the first time and I got the second place. She was there in front of the stage when I was receiving my award. She gave me this really proud smile. And I could still see it in my head every time I think of her. She was there for my every success. She was my boost of confidence. I got my love for dance from her. Whenever there was a family event, she'd pull me to the middle of the "dance floor" to dance with her. She taught me cha-cha, swing and waltz. I enjoyed every bit of it. Even if we barely said I love you to each other, I felt her love. Her love language weren't words but quality time and gestures. She was an amazing woman. She was my mom.

They loved each other so much that their love overflowed to us - their kids and grandkids.

PAPA, on the other hand, was always the soft one. He was the quiet one. But when he opens his mouth, he'd always crack a joke. He lit up the room with his funny expressions and stories. Papa, didn't just have a great sense of humor, he had the biggest heart I know. He was a kind, generous person and a forgiving one, as well. Papa is the greatest man in my book. I even told my husband, he will never outshine my grandpa. LOL No one will. He had helped people and did not expect anything in return. His hobby was making boats. There were many nights he'd huddle friends in our area, mainly men, to go net fishing. Of course, we would go with them to both watch them catch fish and swim. And once they were done, we'd come back to our house and divide the catch with each family, equally. He helped families bring food to their table. And we had fun at the same time. Papa showed me what it is like to have kindness and compassion for others.

Things changed when I was 12, I was in school when Mama was brought to the hospital. She was healthy and strong, but I remember she got a fever the day before. I wanted to stay the night since it was a holiday the next day, but they only allowed one person with her in her hospital room. I told her I will visit the next day. Next day came and I kept telling them I wanted to go to the hospital but they said after lunch. Lunch happened and they wanted me to take siesta first then we would go. I took a nap in the living room but that was the nap I have regretted my whole life. My eyes were close but I could hear people crying. They were trying to wake me up but I couldn't get myself to open my eyes. I knew something wasn't right. Mama was gone. It was so sudden. Eventually I woke up and ran to the room crying. I heard my aunt outside the room calling me, and I knew that time I needed her. We hugged and we cried, and I was looking for Papa. We all needed each other that day. I don't remember how else our day went, but I'm damn sure it sucked for everybody. Mama was gone, and a part of me regretted not spending her last moments with her, not telling her enough how much I love her. All I could do was hope, hope that she knew that I love her very very much, and that I am thankful for all the motherly love she had given me.

When Mama died we all didn't know how to function well. After that, Papa's health was slowly declining, especially his sight. Our first Christmas without Mama was the saddest Christmas ever. It was never the same Christmas without her. We didn't prepare any food for Christmas eve, it was always Mama's plan what to make for Christmas. And when she was gone, we didn't know how or where to begin. We were scattered pretty much that first Christmas without her. That made me realize, she was the one that held us together. But Papa, Papa kept us strong, he had continued to be his loving self. Although, life was hard without Mama, we all had to keep going because Papa needed us. It must've been hard to wake up everyday knowing the person you were used to seeing every waking hour for the past 45+ years wasn't there anymore. He probably thought he needed us. What he didn't know was that we needed him more.

Eight years after Mama's death, Papa's health had gotten worse. He was choking on his maintenance meds because it wouldn't go all the way down. His fever was high, so we rushed him to the hospital. He was struggling to breathe and there were no oxygen masks available. They resorted to ET tube Ambu bag. Me and my cousins alternated in pumping the Ambu bag so that Papa could breathe. The downside was that he couldn't talk. There was a time I was the one pumping and he wanted the Ambu bag out, but I couldn't let him. Now, I am still being hunt by the thought of what if's. What if he wanted to tell me something? What if he was looking for someone? What if he knew he was dying and he wanted to say his last words? What if...? I still beat myself up from time to time whenever I thought of it. Though someone told me, I couldn't have known that. And that I was trying to keep his lungs filled with air so he could breathe. But in the end, Papa was gone. His body couldn't handle all the complications. He had been struggling for a while. In a way, although it hurt, we were glad his sufferings ended. But then again, our lives changed. We knew that time would come, but you could never prepare for the pain that came with losing someone you love, someone you owe your life to. I was glad to be there with him during his last moment, and I was able to tell him how grateful I was and that I love him.

They upbrought us in a house full of unconditional love, care, and happiness. They loved us in a way nobody else can. I am forever indebted to Mama and Papa for all the love and sacrifices they did for me and my sisters. They are my compass, I owe them all that is good in me. The love I have for my kids, it is inspired by their love for me. My kids might've never met them, but their memories are alive in my stories. We can never bring them back, but we will always hold on to the memories we had with them. The pain will always be there because that is how it should feel when you lose someone you love so dearly. My heart will always be missing them no matter what I do.

Papa was our rock, Mama was our glue. Together, they were our strength.