first two years: "adjustment phase"

Filipino-American Marriage

I did not know about this stage until I have experienced it. Before marriage, things seemed all happy, like an almost-perfect love story. Then this stage happened.

My definition of adjustment phase - a stage in marriage where things seemed unfamiliar. Argument here and there, like we never understand each other a lot of times. There were threats of divorce because things seemed unfixable. It was so difficult, that you just want to be done with it. But like the word itself adjustment, we were actually just adjusting --- adjusting to each other's flaws.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Within the first two years of marriage, our relationship was tested. There were situations I almost gave up and just want to see myself boarding the plane back to the Philippines. Days I did not want to wake up. We barely spent time together, the feeling that it seemed like he did not want to spend time with me. The thought of being alone in this unfamiliar country, having no one around to comfort you, it was difficult. The person who you vowed to be with thru ups and downs. Was nowhere around. With that kind of situation, we immigrants will definitely feel helpless at some point. I know, I felt helpless. I sought comfort online, from fellow Filipina immigrants. And there I felt I was not alone. I was not the only one that have experienced this. There, I have read many Filipino-American marriage who had undergone this stage. Some surpassed it, some just thought it'd be best for both parties to end it. Then, it dawned on me...

Nothing is ever easy. Married life is never easy. Yes, it is hard to give up when both of you put effort on making something happen. You have loved this person and dreamt together. Of course, letting go and moving on will be a hard path to take. But you know what is even harder? Letting go of the past and learning to trust each other again. After all, we both work hard to be together. Coming here, seeing him work, knowing how much bills there is to pay, living paycheck to paycheck. And in his line of work, the stress he had dealt with. On top of that, keeping in mind how much he had to spend to get me here. I appreciated him more. I was too busy taking in the pain, and moping in the corner that I forgot all his efforts. But, for us immigrants, things weren't easy either. We, or I, may not have contributed any on the fees, but we did our best so their hard earned money don't go to waste. I prepared the papers, so there will be less stress to think of on his end. Other than that, we, immigrants, gave up the life we used to live, we left behind the family we've been with our whole life. We stepped out of our comfort zones and move to a place we only know in movies. Many don't realize we did not just fly to America and be happy. There were so so much we had to give up. But in life, some times, we had to. It is called, sacrifice.

ALRIGHT, back to adjusting. Communication is essential in a relationship, and that was one thing we seldom did during the first year or two. Because, I don't know in other places, but in the Philippines, when there is an argument, women tends to shut down or give the silent treatment. We don't ignore, we usually just overthink. Take the time to weigh the situations, or sometimes I would talk to myself as if I was talking to him. Then, slowly, I adjusted to the way many couple do it, I guess. We sat down and talked it out. It was difficult at first because I tend to get really emotional and cry in the middle of the conversation. Pointing out the problem, and resolving it, not easy. But we tried. And from then on, we barely argue. We're approaching our five years anniversary. And mind you, for the past years, we probably just had a max of three arguments that would last hours. We felt closer, we bonded more. We have achieved great things together. WE'RE HAPPIER.

So, going back to the past, what if I gave up? What would've happened if we turned our backs from each other? Where will we be now? Where will our kids be now? Maybe good, maybe bad. No one knows. But I'm glad, we chose to give it another try and succeeded. We are lucky, things worked out between us, on our own. I am very old-fashion, sort-of hopeless romantic. I like the thought of our marriage as a fairytale story where we live happily ever after.

---xoxo---

Some marital problems are fixable just probably need marital counseling. But there are some that's irreparable. If you think you are a victim of domestic violence, there are hotlines you can search online.